“BRING FORTH THE PRISONERS!!!”
Sol Brah’s sinister tone echoes from a nearby chamber.
We’ve spent the last 3 days tied to a stake, surviving on a (surprisingly generous) diet of raw bison, sourdough, and organic coconut water.
Every few hours Sol waterboards us.
(with his stolen stockpile of droplets)
It’s agonizing.
A couple of bronzed henchmen hoist us up like a lamb kebab, and march us into the next room.
“Don’t worry boys, I’ve got a plan,” Logan whispers cryptically.
“Just follow my lead...”
Flanked by guards, Sol Brah peers down at us from his throne (a folding lawn chair), and casually flicks a few solitary droplets off our foreheads.
“Are you three ready to COOPERATE? Or do I need to discipline you some MORE... the SOL Way?”
“Go back to Brisbane, aussie scum,” Logan spits.
“SILENCE peasant. No more games. Radio your pilot and COMMAND them to bring your rusty little sh*tship back to these coordinates.
I WANT your GUM.”
Then we notice Logan reach down, pick a lone droplet off the stone floor, and hold it up towards our captor.
Somehow he’s freed his hands.
“Oh but you see, dear Sol Brah...
This... this is not mastic.”
He reaches around to somewhere close-to-but-not-directly-inside his buttcrack, pulls out a concealed blue tin, and HURLS it across the room.
It’s like an overpowered Call of Duty 4 flashbang come to life.
Everything goes white. A dull tone rings in our ears...
Until we open our eyes to Logan untying us with a crazed look in his eye.
“RUN FOR IT!!!”
We burst through the doors of the long dark tunnel, past the dolphins and the Bohemian Grove doors, sprinting towards the ocean entrance while flinging more droplets for our pursuers to slip on, mario-kart-banana style.
José, our Guatemalan intern helmsman, has somehow read our minds, and looped back to anchor the SS Minnow Johnson just a hundred yards from the exit.
As we climb over the bow, safe at last, we look back towards a tall, tanned, traitorous Ozzie shaking his fist while we sail into the distance.
“Well boys... looks like Sol Brah bit off more than he could chew.”
*cue music* (Won’t Get Fooled Again by The Who)
FIN
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